Will my girlfriend stop loving me if I earn less than her? | Dear Mariella

It’s certainly a possibility your girlfriend will think less of you, but that’s no reason to reconsider your life’s plans, says Mariella Frostrup. Now’s the time for a frank discussion

The dilemma At 34, I’ve paid off my mortgage and have a couple of years’ salary in savings. I’ve recently been promoted, but am working very long hours, don’t have much time in the evenings and spend my weekends worrying about the work. I’m not sleeping well and partly due to Crohn’s disease have lost weight. I earn £46k, which is far more than I ever expected (or feel I deserve) to earn. My girlfriend of almost a year is 33 and the love of my life, and I hope we will have a baby in around three years’ time. I’ve been offered a public sector job with a wonderful work-life balance but reduced salary (£36k) and had decided to take this and spend the next three or so years doing all the things I/we want to before having children, as well as improving my health. During a conversation about this potential change, my girlfriend told me that she earns £45k. I am not in the slightest bit chauvinistic about earning more than her, but need to feel that the choice I’m making is not selfish. I worry about not contributing enough and riding on her coattails. Changing to a lower-paying job might suggest I am lacking ambition and also have a negative impact on our relationship.

Mariella replies How timely. You’ve offered up a refreshing view of the equal pay discussion by articulating the psychological side-effects and other potential impacts on the male psyche. There’s no point throwing our hands in the air and saying, “Who cares about men?” With all the gender-related issues of the past tumultuous 12 months, we really need to work together or it will all just have been noise. No social revolution has achieved its goals without the participation of both sexes. What makes men feel uncomfortable is entirely relevant; unaddressed, our relationships suffer and friction enters all our lives. I don’t blame all men for historical and continuing inequity between the sexes. Instead I’m increasingly convinced that to make the world a more equal place we really need to haul our mates from the opposite sex on to the bandwagon. That means listening as well as talking.

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from The Guardian http://ift.tt/2EhZsP0